A Mind Rejecting Eternal Despair
-Shadowbox Anomalous Series-

12 x 12 in.
Mixed Media


Inspired by If Only After You Then Me (or, Litanies) by Amadeus Regucera.
Performed at the January 26th, 2018 Southern Exposure New Music Series
by Duo Cortona.

Text for If Only After You Then Me (or, Litanies):

every graphic thought narcoleptic fantasy//in my memory you're a rare creature jagged
apparition swollen body desperate predator//If only after you then me//I wake I breathe I wait
I want I need I watch I sleep I dream I kill I'm born I die I eat I watch I touch I fuck I feel I feel I
need I want I feel I need I kill I kill I fuck I want (cut, my mouth my tongue my lips my face my
neck my skin your) Memory, like a deep wound carved into my mind; I remember, you, like a
scar. Running my hand over the dead flesh. our lives, an abattoir. meaningful. lying there,
awake. sitting.//here//I can see you sleep eyes turned inward I can't join you so I watch//so
close you are too far (sweetly towards a dream I feel your eyes on me you are too far)//if you
don't hear from me send help//don't promise//don't choke//your memory like a scar//a
destructive love airtight co-temporary periodic chaos//a memory, a scar, your memory, a
scar//your mouth and eyes your skin your skin your flesh wet flesh a rare creature a jagged
apparition swollen body desperate predator gorgeous teen flesh a black cigarette blood red
razor blades mouth eyes eyes face eyes face lips flesh a rare creature gorgeous teen flesh
every fiction every collision a composite disaster love is a fashionable emotion eyes mouth
lips eyes face eyes your mouth our lips your mouth our eyes your face my hand your eyes my
mouth your neck our skin your hair our lips your sweat my mouth your ear our skin your
hands my mouth your neck your mouth your skin your sweat your room your city your city
your your body is our bodies bodies are we are bro ken we we bro ken we are we we are help
please every graphic thought don't help send don't hear from me send help if only don't don't
don't CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT you're too far so tell me your words one text message
at a time me please your body is bodies are we are me please//[litany]//screaming head,
clenched teeth, white knuckles, sweated brow, bloodshot eyes, exhausted and empty,
effeminate, endlessly eradicated, Elysium, emasculate, emphallic, embolism, encephalitis,
eviscerate, extirpate, entropy, ephedrine, enuresis, excrescence encyst, eternal return

Artist's Statement:

The music that inspired this piece is dark,
chaotic and intense. I imagined an individual
waging a tremendous internal struggle. The
main shape can be read as several things
including an egg from which the young mind is
struggling to birth itself. Or a cocoon where
the individual is metamorphosing from the dark
into the light. Or it could simply be a symbol of
mind itself. The white color bursting out
of the shape represent an attempt to break free...
synapses and cells firing and sparking despite
the odds against success. The tendrils reaching
away from the shadowbox are negative,
circular thoughts attempting to spread.
Where they have been cut back, they leave
scars behind on the formally smooth surface.
But scars are not wounds. They are evidence
of healing. They are the markers of a survivor.

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